December 2, 2011

Discipling children: Spending one-on-one time

(This is the continuation of the series on Discipling Our Children.)

If you are not an only child, perhaps you have felt that your parents loved your siblings more than you. Or maybe you were the one loved more.

Now that you are the parent, you know that parents have enough love to go around, and you merely love each child differently. But unfortunately, children don’t see it that way.

The best way to dispel that perception is to spend one-on-one time with each child.  By doing so, you strengthen the relationship with each one, understand more deeply their needs so that you can disciple them accordingly.

Let me make it clear that the one-on-one time is not for rebuking or for lecturing.  Let’s say you schedule to go out to McDonald’s once a month with your son/daughter.  If you use that time to criticize them about their poor study habits, what do you think will happen next month for your date together?  He/she will not be very enthusiastic, to say the least, and will in fact dread the very thought of spending time with you.

The way to spend one-on-one time is to put it on your calendar to go out with each of your children each month – to just hang out.  Enjoy each other’s company, enjoy the food, have a few laughs, tell them about your childhood.  This will open their heart for you to speak into their lives during other teachable moments.

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November 30, 2011

Discipling children: Engaging their doubts

(This is the continuation of the series on Discipling Our Children.)

If you are a Christian and want to raise your children to embrace a life of faith in Jesus Christ, I can guarantee you that at some point, in fact at many points, your children will have doubts about the beliefs that you taught them.  Even though we take them to Sunday school, children’s church, and youth group, and maybe they attend Christian school, and we may even study the Bible with them at home, those “apologetics” issues will nag at their minds.  They may sincerely want to believe, but in the back of their minds, they are asking, “Why does God allow good people to suffer?”, “Isn’t it narrow-minded to believe that Jesus is the only way?”  I know this to be true because we as adults, though we are convinced of our faith, will continue to have some of those same questions.

Rather than expecting our children to blindly believe what we teach them, it is healthy for them to engage their doubts and seek answers.

However, very few kids will talk to their parents about their questions.  Growing up in the church, they will think that it’s unacceptable and even sinful to have questions.  And they will think that we will get upset if they ask, and start preaching at them. Most likely we have not given them a safe place to talk about their doubts.  So if your kids do not voice their doubts, it doesn’t mean they don’t have questions.

So I suggest that we be the one to bring up the questions, and challenge the children to think critically.  “What are some reasons why we believe in God?”  “How do you feel when God does not answer your prayers?”  “Do you ever wonder if there really is a heaven and hell?”

This is just a way to open the conversation so that our children will know that it is okay to have questions. Remember don’t preach or get too excited.  Let them know that it is healthy to have questions.  The next step is to honestly look for answers in the spirit of humility.  Let your children know that even as adults we have questions, but our faith is based on what we know, not what we don’t know.

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November 28, 2011

Thanksgiving

I want to dwell just a little bit more on Thanksgiving before we move on to Christmas.

For most of our kids, it’s not a hard task for them to tell you what they are thankful for. They are asked to do this at school and at church, and you can expect them to come up with the usual list: I am thankful for my family, my house, food, my dog/cat/turtle/gold fish, my bicycle, etc.

When I taught the preschoolers at church about Thanksgiving, I gave them a slightly deeper lesson that we as adults often forget.

“You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth,…” ~ Deuteronomy 8:17-18

The children learned to say, “God gave me the ability.” If God did not give us our hands, our feet, our eyes, our brains, we would not be able to have everything that’s on our list, and we would not be able to even enjoy what we have.

A belated Thanksgiving post today, remembering that God gave me the ability.

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November 15, 2011

Discipling our children: Engage their schooling

(This is the continuation of the series on Discipling Our Children.)

You may think I’m crazy, but I read all my children’s textbooks and literature books.  It beats watching TV, and I am feeling a lot smarter!  I get to learn, once again, about Lewis and Clark, the figures of speech of Edgar Allen Poe, and components of the cell.

Reading my children’s textbooks is one of the best investments of time that I’ve made in discipling my children.

Apart from working my brain, there are several other benefits:

1. A springboard for conversation.

Have you ever asked your children, “What are you learning in school?” Have you ever received an enthusiastic response?? So try asking instead, after reading their science book, “Which part of the cell do you think is the most amazing?” Discuss with your 8th or 9th graders over dinner about the works of Steinbeck and Dickens that they are reading in school.

2. Supplement with Christian values.

Whether your children attend public or private school, it is not the school’s responsibility to integrate Christian values with academics, it’s the parent’s job. When they study the American Revolution, tell them about the Christian values found in the Declaration of Independence. Knowing what your children read allows you to counter any humanistic/secular theology that permeates their learning.

3. Walk in their world.

Kids often say parents don’t understand them. And they are right, we don’t know the daily challenges they face, how they are processing their development of growing up today’s world. Since school is a big part of their life – at least 6 hours out of their day – reading what they have to read for school gives us a glimpse into their world, and let’s them know we are walking alongside them.

Next post: Discipling our children: Engage their doubts

 

 

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November 9, 2011

Discipling our children: Engaging technology

(Continuation from Part 3 in the discipleship series)

So what can we do to disciple our children? I can suggest a million things, but I’m sure no one wants to read all that. I’ll talk about the most practical ones that I’ve done with my own children and you can pick and choose which applies most to your situation with your children. Discipleship is not one-size-fits-all, so it’s not the specifics but the idea that matters, and you can tweak them to what works for you.

1. Engage technology

I love technology because it levels the playing field between generations and closes the gap between us and our children.

There are many things in our children’s world that we cannot understand because we cannot be there. The lack of understanding drives us apart.  But technology is one thing that young and old can participate on even footing.  I cannot go snowboarding with the kids, but I can play computer games.

In order to disciple our children, we need to walk alongside them, and knowing what our kids are into with technology is one major way to build connection.  I can guarantee you that the digital mode will increase in influencing our children; smart phones and the Internet are not going away. If you have not already done so, make sure you are engaging in social media, the latest computer games, the trending topics, the top apps, and the most viewed YouTube videos.

Engaging in technology serves three purposes.

One, it helps you understand your children so that you can speak into their lives effectively where they are at.

Two, it lets your children know that you are not old-fashioned and irrelevant, to be relegated to the Dark Ages, gaining you a level of respect.

Three, you can help your children navigate some of the dangers of technology since you will see firsthand the temptations they face.

Let me add one more: There are many digital tools and resources you can find to help you disciple your children.

Next post: Engage your children’s learning

 

 

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November 3, 2011

Discipling our children, part 3

Continuing from part two in the series, the second general principle of discipling our children is:

2. Discipleship happens within a relationship.

Have you ever wondered why “sinners” such as tax collectors and prostitutes love Jesus?  Do you think it’s because he preaches to them about God?  I am pretty sure that they can stand being being in the same room with a perfect man who is such a contrast to them is that Jesus exudes genuine care for them – unconditionally. He knows, everyone knows, what they are on the outside.  But he loves them for who they are because he – himself is God – made them. Imagine what Jesus sees when he looks at his creation, the compassion he must have for them. And it is within this love that Jesus is able to disciple the worst of sinners.

As it is commonly said, “People don’t know care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Parents often don’t communicate how much they care, and they just want to “mold” that child to be the image of perfection. When our children do not meet our standards, or perhaps sometimes it may even merely be childhood immaturity that does not meet our adult expectations, we inadvertently communicate a lack of genuine love.  Children, even the young ones, are very smart. They know what you are thinking. They can tell when you do not truly love them unconditionally.

Children will often times test your love, purposely disobeying you on a very obvious matter, and see what you will do.  This is especially common when there are siblings, and one child thinks you are showing favoritism.  “I’m going to take my sister’s favorite teddy bear and see what mom will do. I bet she’s going to punish me, then I’ll know for sure that she hates me and  loves my sister more.” Kids want to know that despite their outward behavior, that you still genuinely love them.  However, us parents are not so smart.  We fail that test when we reprimand their outward behavior without communicating our love.

Discipleship breaks down when the relationship breaks down.

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Discipleship series continues next post.

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November 1, 2011

Discipling our children, part 2

I started a series on discipling our children in preparation for a workshop that I will be doing on this topic.

There are a couple of major principles about discipling that is different from discipline.

1. Don’t expect immediate or quick results.

One of my favorite author is Kevin Leman.  He has a book titled Have a New Kid by Friday. As you can see by the title of the book, it attracts the attention of every parent who wants to have a  “better” child, now!  While I’ve read and love the book, the book has great principles about discipline, not discipleship; discipleship is not all that fast. Discipline can lead to discipleship, as I think Leman’s principles will do, but discipleship is a life-long process, not a week-long one. You can change a child’s behavior through the discipline of punishments and rewards within a defined period of time, but discipleship does not end there. Consider how long it takes for God to teach us a lesson, and how often we fail and have to be taught again, and again, and again – the same lesson over and over again.  I still am learning about patience, can I expect my child to have perfect patience to sit quietly on a long car ride merely from a few lectures from me?  I’m still learning about being generous, so why am I surprised when my child is not willing to share after umpteenth time of me telling him to?

Let’s begin with the understanding that as parents we should not be surprised to see failure in our children at not having learned what we hoped they would learn.  Discipling does not say obvious things like “I’ve told you a thousand times already…” or “Do I have to tell you again to…” Of course, we have to repeat.  Because discipleship is a long-term process.

2. Read it in the next post.

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October 27, 2011

More on living with my mother-in-law

In my previous post on living with my mother-in-law, several of the comments indicate the sentiment that they wish they did not have to live with their in-laws.  They want to get out of that situation, but have no choice.

Not many of us, if any, marry our spouses wanting to invite the in-laws to live with us.  When we got married, we may have had an idea that “someday” when the parents get old, there is a possibility that we would have to take care of them, but we were naïve, and had no idea what that would be like.  But now here we are…

Having my MIL living with us is definitely not my ideal family life. I had imagined a cozy little cottage with a vegetable garden, my husband and I and our perfect children picking flowers while walking our dog…chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Is life ever exactly what we want it to be??

How do we deal with other curve balls of life? We handle it, we make the best of it, we adjust to it, and we grow from it. We don’t like it, but we accept it.  For some reason when it comes to in-laws, we have the idea that we are entitled to have our way rather than helping family. I know it’s disrupting, I know it seems like forever, and there is no glory in it.  The only thing is, it’s the human thing to do.

I am not saying that you should not try to change things up if possible.  You should definitely do everything that you can to have boundaries, cooperation, and full support from your spouse. Enlist other family members to help, etc.

But after all that’s said and done, the change ultimately comes from you.

I look at it this way: if I was my MIL, would I want to be in this situation where I have to live with my daughter-in-law? My answer would be no, and I am sure my MIL’s answer would be the same.  I’m sure she wishes her husband was still alive.  I’m sure this is not where she thought she would end up.  I’m sure she would rather retire in Hawaii or traveling the world on a cruise.  Instead she has to live with me. Whoopee.

I’m not the only one suffering here.  Life has thrown her a few curve balls too.  I need to have some compassion.  At least I still have options.  I picked up more hobbies to distract myself. I go out more rather than hanging around the house. And sometimes I just stay in my room and read. Yes, I have to make adjustments, and yes, I wish I didn’t have to.  But I do know that I’m doing the right thing to have my MIL living with us.  And when you live in obedience to God, He will not forget you. The kindness you are showing will not be wasted.

As with every negative situation, you have to think of the positives to get you through.  Attitude is everything.

The important thing here is not to keep bucking against it.  As my pastor used to say, lean into the pain.  Accept it for what it is and you will be a better person for it.

Now let me talk about a few survival skills:

1. Don’t expect too much of yourself.  I don’t try to be my MIL’s best friend. I don’t think I can be, nor want to be.  I keep a bit of distance so that I can be polite to her as I would a friend.  I think that if we get too comfortable, it would be a case of familiarity breeds contempt. This is just my personality, but some of you may be able to have a close relationship with your MIL, and I applaud you.

2. Don’t punish your husband for what his mother does, unless you want a divorce. It’s not fair to him or to you. He is on your side, so don’t make him the enemy.

3. Don’t let things fester. If your MIL does something that bothers you and you know it is within her control to stop it, you need to ask her to. For example, giving advice on child raising is a big one. I don’t like anyone giving me unsolicited advice, my MIL or anyone else. If you think she is overstepping her bounds, tell her that you are the mother and will make the decisions concerning your kids. She’s already had her chance raising her kids, now it’s your turn to have the fun.

4. Do take advantage of whatever your MIL likes to do and let her do it. My MIL likes to cook, so I let her do it. Sure, I like to cook too, but rather than jockeying for position, I can use my time to experiment the fun stuff, like french desserts :) With my MIL at home with my kids, I take advantage of it and go out more with my husband. Win-win all around.

That’s it for now. Maybe I’ll add more later, after I have a chance to practice them!

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October 27, 2011

Discipling our children, part 1

In a couple of weeks, I will be presenting a short workshop for parents on discipling our children. It’s hard to narrow down into one hour what is most important to share on this huge topic. But then, I am a firm believer that less is more, so one hour is certainly sufficient to pack in some important concepts, and it forces me to laser beam my approach.

In the next few posts, I will write about this topic of discipling children, as a way to flesh out some of my thoughts.

First, I want to make a distinction between discipline and discipleship.

Discipline, as defined in dictionary.com means “behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.” It has to do with molding the outward behavior.

Discipleship, or becoming a disciple means to be a follower e.g. to be follower of Jesus. It has to do with molding the inward heart.

Often times we confuse or mix the two.  If our children behave well, we are happy, and we assume they are good disciples.  But that is not always true, is it?  Jesus rebuked the Pharisees, not because they were doing wrong things, in fact they followed all the rules to the letter. But they were not doing it with the right heart. They were missing the spirit of the law, which was to focus on God, the giver of the law.

We tend to be more concerned about outward behavior because that is the immediate need.  We want to have a conflict-free home with children who will do as they are told.  That would make our jobs as parents so much easier! Having well behaved children is a source our pride as well. We are embarrassed when our children misbehave in public.  We see it as a reflection of us, so we are quick to discipline.

When we think about disciplining our children to behave well, we need to have the bigger picture in front of us. Discipline with the view that we are discipling and molding their heart, not just the behavior.  Disciplining is not an end in itself, it is merely a means to an end of directing our children to God.

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October 20, 2011

Using a Postcard app

I used Postcard On The Run on my iPhone to send a picture of the family to my daughter at college, hoping she’ll tack it up on her bulletin board and not forgot us. :)
The app is easy to use, it works great, and the postcard got to her within a week and a half. This is especially useful when sending pictures to friends and family when you’re on vacation. But you can use it to send a postcard any time, just for fun. It’s always nice to receive something in the mailbox – the physical mailbox, not just your e-mail box. Postcard On The Run makes it easy with printing and postcard all included.

Disclosure: I received one free postcard in order to write this review. The opinions are my own.

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