Adventures in Parenting

Do you know that parents suffer from an occupational hazard?

It’s called low self esteem.

We beat up on ourselves whenever our children do anything wrong. If they go wild in the store, or do poorly in school, or won’t eat their vegetables, we feel that we’ve somehow failed as a parent. There always seems to be something we could have done better.

But let me assure you today, we parents occasionally do a few things right! And I’m not just saying that. I have proof.

For Mother’s Day this week, I asked several young adults to tell us a few things that their moms did right. I hope this encourages you to know that even when our children fight us tooth and nail sometimes, they will grow up appreciating what we’ve done for them. All our efforts are not forgotten!

Daniel:

My mom sent me to violin/saxophone/math/drawing/Chinese caligraphy/chemistry/physics/chinese/english/… lessons. I don’t do 90% of those things anymore, but it sure helped me become who I am today! She rewarded me appropriately without spoiling me. She taught me that money does not grow on trees. She even trusted me in making some of my own decisions. No matter what my accomplishments were, she simply loves me because I am her son.

Bonnie:

My mom immigrated to the U.S. so my brother and I could have a better education. She always made me eat breakfast in the morning. She makes efforts to take great care of my grandmother, and my grandpa when he was alive. She’s a wonderful person to work with. She’s worked in the same business with my dad for over 30 years. She even went back to school to learn Spanish and public speaking, setting an example for me to learn.

Jon:

My mom taught me to clean up after myself, took care of me when I got hurt, taught me not to complain and she fed me. Now I’m grown up, she lets me pave my own way.

KW:

My mom taught me how to keep track of what I spend and how to save money. She also taught me how to do household stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc. - good to know before college!). She’s pretty independent and can do things for herself and now I’m kind of like that.

What do you give credit to your mom for?

Photo by 2757

Tags: mother, Mother's Day
Posted in A Mother's Reflections, General • 3 Comments »

“Mom, don’t throw it away! You can reuse that.”

I rolled my eyes as I fished the empty jelly jar out of the trash. (To tell the truth, I just didn’t want to have more to wash!)

My kids are growing up in a culture much more environmentally sensitive than the way I grew up. To me, styrofoam was the best invention since the crockpot.

But I am glad my children are teaching me to save. This goes well with the value that I try to teach them about not being materialistic.

I wrote a post for Margit Crane at Rock the World on battling Materialism . I didn’t mention this in that piece, so I will add that here. Encouraging our children to “reduce, reuse and recycle” is a great way to learn not to be materialistic.

Here are some suggestions on putting that into practice with our children:

1. When your children want to buy a toy, ask them which of the toys they have that can do a similar thing. My girls love stuffed toys. I have to always remind them, “Don’t we already have a plush bear?”

2. “Shop” hand-me-downs at home. I am not shy about asking my sisters and friends for clothes that their children outgrew. Children’s clothes are hardly ever worn out. When I get a bag of “pre-owned” clothes, I tell my children, “Let’s go shopping.” We lay out the clothes in my room with a full-length mirror, and they have fun trying on clothes that is as good as new.

3. Start a compost. I have not done this but several of my friends have. This is a good project to do with your children.

Teaching our children to be mindful with our possessions and not be wasteful goes hand in hand with teaching them not to be materialistic .

Visit Margit’s site to read my article on teaching our children to overcome materialism .

What other ideas do you have to practice the three R’s?

Photo by gavinandrewstewart

Tags: materialistic, recycle
Posted in Teaching values • 4 Comments »

As a parent, we are concern with who our children’s friends are, aren’t we? We know that their peers have a strong influence on the way our children will turn out.

What is the best way for a parent to see who your children hang out with and what they are like when they are with their friends? (No, you can’t stalk them at school!)

Invite them over to your house!

The thought of 5 little 10-year-olds or 10 teenagers messing up your house probably sends chills down your spine. But I figured, what’s my house for anyway? My house is not a museum, it’s not for adults only, and it’s no fun if I am the only one in it. I had kids so that I can enjoy the house with my kids. Why keep them away from my house?

In fact, wouldn’t you rather have your children and their friends at your house instead of at someone else’s house where you don’t know what they are doing? I want to make sure I make my house as friendly as possible for kids to want to come to my house.

I admit, there are sacrifices involved. My light colored carpet is not so light colored anymore. I always have to wipe off the walls of hand prints and scuff marks. And some marks will never come off. There are some deterioration that cannot be repaired - the worn couch, the scratched table, the broken chair.

But I’d rather take the un-Martha Stewart look and trade it in for memories of seeing my children play and building that relationship with my children and their friends.

Now that summer is almost here, I want to make sure my kids know that their friends are welcome here.

So here are some ways to make your home the place to come to:

1. Make sure there is plenty of food and drinks stocked. Buying individual servings of drinks like CapriSun or soda cans is more expensive, but you save on not having to wash cups and limiting spills.

2. Have some play attraction. A ping pong table, a basketball hoop, a game system with multi-player games as well as some board games can entertain the kids. We bought the Game Cube and now the Wii to make it an attraction for friends. We hardly play it ourselves. Some chalk to draw on the side walk or a ball to play handball against the wall, or some hula hoops are fun for the younger ones.

3. Be friendly, but don’t try to be cool. You’ll embarrass your children by trying too hard to be accepted as “one of them”. It’s ok to be maintain the role of the parent and not their friend.

4. Put valuables and fragile items away. I’ll decorate my house with knick knacks after the kids are grown. But then there’ll be grandkids…:)

5. It’s ok to have rules. Every so often I have to say, “Watch your mouth, please” or “Please no feet on the furniture”. Just be reasonable that kids will move things around, and they will not be perfect. So be prepared ahead of time not to get upset.

What other ways do you make your house inviting to kids?

Photo by Ingorrr

Tags: friends, house, peers
Posted in General, What's a good parent • 6 Comments »

A caller on the radio talk show had this question:

She was very excited to have landed the lead role in a community theater. The problem is, there is one kiss with the leading man required. Her husband objected to her taking the role. What should she do?

When I heard the dilemma, my first thought was, “What’s the big deal with one little kiss? Her husband is being ridiculous.”

But the host’s answer surprised me. She said, the husband’s reaction is not about jealousy. It’s a matter of modesty. What kind of message is she giving to her children? What message is she giving to her husband?

In fact, the caller then said her children did ask about “mommy kissing another man”. Even though they understand it’s just a show, they seemed very uncomfortable with the idea.

I am afraid I’ve taken kissing too lightly.

We’ve been conditioned to think kissing is not big deal. People kiss on the first date, when they hardly even know the person. Teen shows on Disney channel show young people kiss on dates, and next thing you know, they break up.

Yet, if you think about it, kissing is quite an intimate exchange. It’s foreplay that arouses our desire for more. But more often than not, it is view as an innocent recreational pastime.

I was taught to not have premarital sex , but I was not held to a higher standard. Now that I am married, I wish I was not so free with kissing. If I had to do it over again, I wish I had saved my first kiss.

My daughter came home from a youth group meeting and said our pastor’s wife challenged them to save their first kiss for the wedding day. If that possible? In this culture of sexual freedom, can young people hold to such a standard?

In fact, I know several newly married couples that have succeeded. Their first kiss was at the altar.

We don’t expect enough of our kids . As the authors of the Rebelution says, culture is constantly reinforcing lower and lower standards and expectations for our teens. Yet teenagers are capable of much more when they are challenged. We are seeing many technological inventions coming from young people because they see a vision of what our world can be.

It is the same for morality. We have set the standards of morality too low. By doing so, we are not doing our children any favors. Messages of “Don’t get pregnant” or “Don’t have intercourse before marriage” are not teaching our children the true meaning of modesty and who they can be.

I wish I was challenged to save my first kiss. My mistake could save my children some heartaches in their future. Let’s challenge our children to save their first kiss and see them live a life that they will not feel ashamed of.

Photo by circo de invierno

Tags: kiss, modesty, sex, teenager
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know • 3 Comments »

A mom asked me, “How do I talk to my daughter in college about sex?”

This mom wanted to warn her daughter not to have promiscuous sex.

As with many subjects that we want our kids to learn, a straight lecture is usually not the best method. Don’t we simply tune out people that we don’t want to listen to?

A better way to approach talking to your teen about sex is to ask questions . I don’t mean a lecture in question form like, “Don’t you know you can get STD if you have sex?

If we are good listeners and really ask questions that seek to understand them, our children will begin to open their hearts to us. Just remember don’t act shocked at what they might tell you!

Here are some questions to start the conversation. Follow each question with a why or why not.

• What’s the pervasive attitude of sex among your friends?
• Are your friends having sex?
• Is anyone you know pregnant or had an abortion?
• Have you ever been pressured to have sex?
• How do you say no to that pressure?
• Do you think it is unrealistic for a young person to remain a virgin until marriage?
• What do you think makes a person ready to have sex?
• Do you think sometimes people have sex just to impress friends?
• Do you think it is important to save yourself before marriage?
• Would you want your future spouse to have had sex before marrying you?

What other questions have you found to be useful?

Photo by desi.italy

Tags: sex, teenager
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years • 7 Comments »

This may surprise you, but I read that most teenagers actually rate their parents high on the list of people they trust to give them accurate information about sex.

Yet, we as parents are often embarrassed to talk about sex with our children, aren’t we?

Honestly, my mother never talked to me specifically about sex. It was a taboo subject at our house. I learned from biology books!

However, throughout my life, my parents taught me the value of being pure, not to act with impropriety, and that my body is private. And I’d be in a heap of trouble if I got pregnant! Those attitudes and that (healthy dose of) fear allowed me to practice abstinence until I got married. I am so glad I did, and I thank my parents for bringing me up right.

While it is rather difficult to explain the whole thing about the birds and the bees, our children really do not need us to tell them the physiology of how babies are made. That’s the easy part.

The more important subject is the morality of sex. Why is it wrong to have sex before marriage? What about if you really love someone? How far is too far?

As it is often said, values and attitudes are caught, not taught. This is true of sex education at home. So do not worry too much about having “The Talk” . It is more important that throughout your child’s growing up you are taking teachable moments to convey to him your values.

Here are some areas where children catch our attitudes about sex:

1. What we watch on TV and movies. Attitudes about sex is constantly being portrayed in the media. Whether it’s a comedy, a mystery, a suspense, or a romance, sex is always in there somewhere. I dare say 99% of what is shown is not what we want our children to embrace. But when our children see the openness of premarital sex and displays of heavy affection coming into our living room through the tube, and we are all there watching it, what type of message are they getting?

2. Your relationship with your spouse. If we build a strong marriage relationship with our spouse, our children will see that marriage works and it is worth waiting for. If they do not see a good marriage, they figure, why wait? It’s no fun to be married anyway.

3. Show them true love. When we show acts of kindness to our spouse and others around us, when we stay in a marriage and work things out, when we give 100% towards our family, we teach our children that love is a commitment, not just a feeling. When they ask, “Why is it wrong to have sex with someone if you are truly in love?” The answer is apparent. Love is only true when two people are willing to commit themselves in a marriage. If there is no commitment, it is not true love, no matter how it feels. That’s why sex before marriage is not done with true love.

4. Admit our own mistakes. I am ashame of the many mistakes I’ve made as a youth in the past. When it is appropriate, I believe it is ok to be honest and admit my past failures to my children. We can let our children learn from our mistakes. I’ve told my children some of the stupid things I’ve done. I also tell them what I’ve lost because of those mistakes - I’ve lost innocence, I have to live with bad memories, I’ve hurt others. While the past is in the past and our lives are great now, many mistakes just can not be repaired. It cost us something, and we hope they do not make the same mistakes.

5. Have high expectations. Let your children know that their body is special and private and not to be misused. Hold up a high standard of morality, and your children will respond in kind.

Photo by aussiegall

Tags: abstinence, sex
Posted in Teaching values, What our children should know • 4 Comments »

Should we teach our teens about using condoms? Isn’t it better to teach them about safe sex since they are going to have sex anyway?

Kara, an abstinence educator, tells it like it is in a letter she wrote to Dr. Laura . It gives us the right perspective about what we should teach our children.

Here is the letter in its entirety. The emphasis is mine.

Greetings Dr. Laura,

I have been an abstinence educator in Cochise County for approximately 10 years now. I have taught at Bisbee High School for about the last 7 years in the Life Skills class. Why don’t you ask how it is possible when condoms fail (as birth control) the most in preventing pregnancy in adults, how they are preventing the spread of STD’s in irresponsible teens with underdeveloped frontal lobes? The current statistics show the FACTS concerning Sexually Transmitted Diseases. The statistics concerning condom RISK REDUCTION are usually not about teens, but adults who know how to use them appropriately and properly. Would you loan the keys of your Lexus to a teen? Yet some encourage teens to entrust the only body they have to a little piece of latex.

We teach tobacco education, drug education and alcohol education encouraging abstinence from these dangerous activities, knowing full well some youth will do it anyway. Why not tobacco safety smoking low tar and nicotine cigarettes? Why not a “safe needle” program for drugs? Why not “drinking underage at home, just don’t drive” messages? Why is it we can potty train them when they are 2-3 years old, expect them to control their bladders/bowels, yet think they cannot control their genitals? Can you imagine your daughter, wanting to save her body, making it something special, opening her prom bag and seeing condoms? This is pressure on those making healthy decisions! Why don’t we give forms for GED’s when kids start 9th grade, just to assure them if they can’t “hack” school, they can always drop out and get a GED?

In conclusion I must say how it stymies me when grown adults ignore the TRUTH. Condoms fail frequently concerning birth control. Condoms were NOT designed to protect against disease, which is present 24/7 and smaller than a human sperm. Girls are only fertile approximately 72 hours a cycle, or three days a month for pregnancy. Herpes and syphilis lesions and HPV can be on areas of the genitalia not covered by that little piece of latex and God help them if they are allergic to latex! Go ahead Bisbee, while you are at it, give them the keys to your cars too! At least they’re insured!

Sincerely,
Kara

Tags: abstinence, sex, teens
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know • 5 Comments »

Imagine this, if you can:

Your daughter gets ready to leave the house in an outrageous outfit showing way too much skin , to say the least.

You reel on her and yell, “You are not going out of the house like that! You look like a slut. No decent boy will respect you.”

Your daughter pauses, looks at herself, and says, “You are absolutely right mom. Thanks for your wise advice. I’ll go change right now.”

In your dreams, right?

More likely you’ll hear, “#@%&*!” BANG! Slam the door!

At best, you will see eyes rolling up or giving you a dirty look. Even if she changes her clothes this time, you haven’t changed her heart . The minute she is out of your sight, she’ll pull out her mini-skirt and change back.

The only thing you would’ve accomplished is to have your daughter think you are totally irrelevant, you don’t understand her, you live in the dark ages…and the generation gap and communication gap widens . Do you think she will ever open up to you about anything else in her life?

Among the many skills we need as parents, diplomacy is another one to add to our list as our children reach the tweens and teens.

In my interview with Vanessa Van Petten , we discussed this issue of approaching our teens about the way they dress. Listen to the podcast for her great advice from a young person’s point of view.

Here are some of Vanessa’s suggestions and a few of mine added:

1. Do not make the issue to be about more clothes or less clothes. Rather educate your teen about style.

2. Look at fashion magazines and advertisements together and ask questions. “Do you think this looks good?” Why or why not? Ask your daughter to point out styles that she likes. Not all of the stuff she likes will be skimpy.

3. Look at examples of attractive people and talk about what really makes them attractive. Most of the time it is not because they show more cleavage.

4. When you look at magazines, ask your daughter, “What kind of message does this outfit give?” Some clothes say sophistication, some say athletic, or mysterious, or sense-of-humor, or bad-girl…”Which style do you think boys are attracted to?”

5. Encourage your daughter to come up with her unique style. What type of person does she want to be known for? It’s not about how much skin you can show. Rather it is about projecting a style.

6. As Vanessa says, encourage your daughter to make her own clothes , or at least customize store-bought clothes to be unique. It will give them a sense of pride and style.

What else have you found to work with your daughters?

Photo by bs70

Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know • No Comments »

When my girls were little, I hear parents with teenage girls who dress with too much skin showing (that’s the nice way of putting it) say with a resigned sigh, “Well, I can’t control what they wear anymore.”

At that time, I thought, “I still have control of what my girls wear for about the next 8 years. They are solely at my mercy. They wear what I buy and they can’t wear what I don’t buy.”

I realize then the seriousness of my calling a a parent. While my children are totally under my guidance, what values am I teaching them? Even something seemingly simple as clothes, am I teaching them the respectable value of modesty ? It is my responsibility to teach them what is proper to wear and what isn’t. I only have a few years to do that. When they grow up, that window of opportunity is lost.

I decided that I need to make conscious decisions when I shop for my girls.

Oh, that is such a cute little skirt!

Wait a minute… It’s a mini-skirt paired with a tiny tank top for a 4-year-old. What values am I teaching my girls if I let them wear this supposedly innocent outfit? If she was 16 years old, would I want her to wear a mini-skirt that shows her underwear when she bends over? Would I want her to wear a tank top with no bra? Is dressing a 4-year-old that much different from dressing a 16-year-old?

Each piece of clothing I buy for my girls is teaching them something. Modesty begins at an early age.

Here are some guidelines of modesty I’ve learned about buying clothes for my girls:

1. Choose styles that cover the shoulders. This includes sundresses. This teaches my daughters to be modest about bearing their shoulders and chest. One of my daughters is 18 now, and she does not wear tank tops and straps. It’s better to minimize skin exposure to the sun anyway.

2. Wear skirts at a decent length, and wear shorts underneath. When they play on the bars or sit on the floor, their underwear is not exposed.

3. Make sure shirts cover their belly buttons when they hold their arms up. This is the same test we use to buy clothes for my girls now.

4. Swim suits for girls are especially an issue with me. Do parents want their teenage girls wearing skimpy swim wear? Yet, what do they buy for their little girls to wear? I keep to one-piece bathing suits. They are not easy to find anymore, but we can still find one-piece Speedo. My girls like to wear swim short over their suits as some styles ride up the thigh and have a very narrow crotch (I hate those designers!).

5. I stay away from the latest fads and styles. I don’t want my girls to get caught up worrying about name brands nor do I want them to grow up with shopping as their favorite pastime.

6. If you get clothing as gifts that you don’t think is appropriate, return it or you might even have to throw it away. I know that is hard to do, but if I don’t want my daughter to wear it, why would I want another little girl to wear it?

I know I may sound like a prude, but do you want men leering at your daughters? The culture has conditioned us to think immodesty is ok, But we don’t have to play by those rules.

On the practical side, I find that modest clothing makes for better play clothes. How can you play comfortably when you are constantly have to pull up a strap or pull down a shirt?

I also find that little girls don’t like to wear immodest clothes. They seem to naturally have a sense of propriety not to show their underwear or their belly button. It is only when we allow them to expose more skin that they are conditioned to think it is OK.

Little girls clothing is not just about looking cute and sweet. There is a message that we are teaching them.

I know many moms out there reading this have little girls. You have yet time to influence them to be girls of modesty . By the time they are teens, it hard to turn the tide.

What other ways do you have to teach your girls modesty?

Photo by cogdogblog

Posted in Uncategorized • 6 Comments »

Male high school teachers have a very tough job. I especially feel for their wives.

When 17 and 18 year-old girls wear tank tops, tight clothes, and short shorts, do you think the men teachers, even the most moral ones, would notice? How can the wives of the teachers compete with these young beauties?

Recently at a local high school here, a married male teacher was found to be having an affair with a former student. I don’t care to know the details, but I know that the marriage of this teacher broke up.

Lack of modesty with clothing is not a matter of style. It has serious consequences that is affecting our culture. Our good boys, our faithful husbands, our honest teachers, are human, and they would have to be superhuman to keep their thought life in the right place.

Girls dress to attract guys their own age, but do they realize that boys and men of all ages are looking at them too? Do they really want that kind of attention?

When you think of it this way, doesn’t it make you think twice about how you should teach your girls about modesty?

I found a great site that is challenging moms to make a commitment to take modesty seriously. Let’s take steps to go against the grain and teach our children what is right.

If you agree with this Mission Statement, put a comment here, or go to the Moms for Modesty website.

• As a Mom for Modesty I believe in common-sense modesty for girls and young women.
• I believe in refraining from sexualizing our girls and young women.
• I believe that it is unwise and unfair to taunt boys and young men by permitting my daughter(s) to dress in an immodest manner.
• I believe that true beauty comes from within and I strive to teach my daughter(s) this truth.
• I will loyally shop at retailers that provide girls’ and young womens clothing that is modest, affordable and stylish.

Tags: clothes, girls, modesty
Posted in Baby care, Ideas for Christmas, Recommended products, Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know, What's a good parent • 8 Comments »