Sibling quarrels
September 19th, 2007 / 2 Comments
You’ve heard it said that a good defense is a strong offense.
When it comes to dealing with problems between siblings, this principle certainly holds true. When brothers and sisters fight constantly, no amount of screaming, threats, or punishment seem to be able to abate it.
I think the best way to deal with sibling quarrels is to prevent them as much as possible. A strong offense means making opportunities to build positive relationships among the brothers and sisters so that the quarrels may at least be lessened.
Here is our task for Day 19 of our 30 Days to Better Parenting Challenge to build better relationships among siblings.
Take your children out for an activity that they all enjoy. Maybe you can go bowling, or go to MacDonalds with a play area, or maybe to an arcade, depending on the ages of your children. Before you go, show them 10 $1 bills, totaling $10. Tell them that the money will be divided equally among them after the activity. But each time you hear any bickering, even if it’s just a derogatory word, you will take out $1. Whatever is left at the end of the activity will be given to them in equal shares.
Here is the reason I am suggesting going out for an enjoyable activity along with the $10 challenge. If you issue this money challenge at home under normal circumstances, the regular environment will most likely just produce the old habits of fighting. There would be very little chance of success. You may have saved yourself ten bucks, but the point is defeated. If you are out doing fun stuff together, I hope that the enjoyment of the activity will override the instinct to fight. The $10 incentive will give the siblings a reason to want to behave and just allow themselves to have a good time together.
I know that when we provide opportunities for fun, the time can be ruined once they start their bickering. Hence the $10 incentive might keep that to a minimum and the family can actually begin to enjoy being together.
If they are able to end up with $5, that’s excellent.
Adjust this activity accordingly to suit your children. The main idea here is for us as parents to provide some opportunities for our children to spend positive time together without the irritation of quarrels throughout that time. This will strengthen their relationships and hopefully the fighting will decrease. Even if fighting persists, the relationship building will result in stronger bonds among them later in life when they mature and will actually appreciate one another.
Comments
Katy, I like the idea except for the money. I don’t want to seem like I’m “paying” my kids to behave and get along. I’d rather they do it because it’s a good thing to do. But that didn’t work when they were younger. They get along better now but when the older one is bored he still picks on the younger one, and the younger one has no patience for his more childish behavior and starts making verbal attacks. Maybe in another year they’ll settle down more? And you are right, your kids are unusual. Mine are the worse on long car rides cause they are bored. I think your kids are great in that they will entertain themselves and get along. Lorin
Thanks for your comment, Lorin.
If you think money gives the wrong impression, you can use a bean system - start with 10 beans, 5 beans left we get ice cream, 8 beans left we get pizza and ice cream, etc.
Everyone needs an incentive. Even as supposedly “mature” adults we like to work for a reward. We have to “prime the pump” of intrinsic motivation with some external reward.
I think some kids, perhaps like yours, get into a habit of fighting. Your children are old enough to be able to exercise self-control to stop if they really want to. They probably enjoy pushing each other’s buttons and yours! The satisfaction of it has to be taken away.
Here are just some suggestions:
First, don’t yell at them. It’s a waste of breath! And it gives them the pay-off they expect.
Second, stop it immediately at the first sign of bickering. Stop the car wherever you are and tell them to get out and fight. You don’t want to hear it. If it’s in the house, tell them to go outside immediately. Whatever is appropriate for the situation, you should distance yourself from them and let them work it out on their own.
Third, make it a regular habit of giving positive comments to them often when they are together so they learn to appreciate each other. “Son, these are your many good qualities…” “Daughter, these are your many good qualities…” “I love you both.” That may encourage them to see each other positively. Everyone loves affirmation. You can’t lose with kind words.
Sometimes sibling quarrels result because one feels the parents favor the other. Haven’t you heard of adult children who fight because they think “mom always loved you more”? In some way, that one may still be vying for the parent’s attention. Affirm both as much as possible.
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