Living with my mother-in-law
June 24th, 2008 / 17 Comments
My mother-in-law lives with us.
You read it right. My mother-in-law lives with us.
My father-in-law passed away of cancer about 10 years ago, and she has been living with us for about that long now.
What is your reaction when you read this? People usually think I am either a martyr or a saint.
But the truth is, I am merely motivated by selfishness.
Here is what I gain with my mother-in-law living with me:
1. My children get Chinese food and Chinese culture from her that they would not get from me.
2. My children benefit from being in a multi-generational household. There is something to be said of experiences in life that young people can learn from.
3. My children have a doting grandma who makes them their favorite food anytime they want it.
4. My children experiences the bigger definition of a family, an extended family.
5. My children learn to accommodate and respect older people.
What do I personally get out of it?
The nicer I am to my mother-in-law, the nicer my children will be to me when I am old!
I am setting the example how relationships with their elders are to be. There is no better way for me to teach my children how to treat me when I am old than to have my mother-in-law live with us.
Now you see why I am selfish when I treat my mother-in-law well?
While I may not live with my children when I get old, I am confident that they feel a responsibility to take care of me.
But do I feel bothered by having my mother-in-law live with us?
When I feel a hint of that attitude and think that life is only about me, I remind myself of this story. I hope this will encourage you in your relationship with your in-laws.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old granddaughter.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The daughter-in-law could not stand the sight of him at the dinner table with them every night, so she set up a small table in the corner of the room.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
The four-year-old daughter watched it all in silence.
One day, the daughter-in-law was watching her daughter play with her dolls. Several dolls were set up around a short table eating play food.
“What are you playing?” the mother asked.
“I am playing house,” replied the little girl. “This is my husband, this is me, and these are my children eating dinner.”
The mother noticed a little table apart from the other dolls.
“And what is that table for?” she asked.
The daughter responded sweetly, “That’s where you and daddy will eat when you get old.”
Photo by Shayan
Comments
omigosh – I am LOVING the new look around here!!
Great post – it also reminds me of another story, very similar. Except instead of a separate table, he had a wooden bowl because he kept accidentally dropping his dish.
Until the parents found their daughter working on something and she happily said she was making *their* wooden bowls.
lol – every time we go house hunting, Hubz and I are always looking at the option of having an extra room or guest suite for my parents – maybe even a casita. Nice!!
Dette: Thanks for noticing the new theme!
Bless you for preparing for your parents so they know they are wanted.
This is my life too! My mother-in-law lives with us, in a part of the house that’s set up as a semi-detached apartment for her. We receive the same benefits, except without the Chinese food and culture. She too lost her husband to cancer, but about 14 years ago, and has lived with us for ten years.
The other benefit we receive is that when we run out of milk, we just steal hers.
That story is just horrible. I hope it’s fiction, but in fact I can imagine it happening. I think teachign kids empathy is crucial for their development into fully human beings.
Pete: I am glad I am not alone! You are a great dad.
[...] I mentioned here before, my mother-in-law lives with us. [...]
I wish I were so saintly – I’m not. My mother in law came to live with us when we moved to another state 10 years ago. She was extremely interesting, funny, and annoying. (We had not been the best of friends). There was certain ‘musts’ for this to work. A separate kitchen and or living space. My husband, of course in a tight spot here, said that this was ‘his’ mother and not mine and he was responsible for her. The acknowledgment of this made it possible and in fact successful. We all gained, her experiences were shared, absolute love of the grandchildren and the knowledge that she was wanted and safe with us.
well actually having a mother in law like mine well you will say “wat a hell out of a mohter in law”
I am a victim out here, i do aceept the fact that these will turn on my side wen am old but sincererly i will not bother or harcel my son’s wife like that
I wish I could be as grateful as all of you. My mother in law lives with us just because, she is perfectly capable of having her own place at this time, she just doesn’t. It’s currently taking it’s toll on my marriage. We just bought our first house, instead of all 3 of us unpacking my mother had to come help me because my husband and mother in law would not. She refuses to unload the dishwasher “because she doesn’t know where stuff goes” (and we’ve been there 3 months) She brought her 2 cats along with her on top of the 2 we had so I was the only one cleaning litterboxes until I blew up about that and now my husband is trying to make me feel guilty for her having a litterbox in her room when I never asked her to do that, I only asked for HELP. I still clean the main ones all by myself. Plus I get the constant “well I do it this way” I just feel like I’m bashing my ahead against a brick wall! Am I wrong for feeling this way???
Garciam, if your MIL is capable of living by herself, then I think she should. If your husband really wants her to live you guys, then he has to give you full support and set up the guidelines for a harmonious relationship.
My MIL and I are not buddies, but we get along with a cordial relationship because we chose to stay out of each other’s way. She does her thing, I do mine. Some people may be bff with their MIL, but that is not an expectation I want to put on myself.
What about when your mother-in-law is an ex-junky bum who is capable of working but does nothing but lay on the couch all day while I work to support her. I am very glad that you had a good experience with your mother-in-law but I have not. The only thing in life that matters to her is her methadone. Why do I sound so angry? Because I am only 21 years old and she is 49. My husband and I have never had a single night to ourselves and she doesn’t care. All I can say is that if I act like her when I am her age I hope that my kids will kick me out. If she was elderly and honestly needed the help I would understand and lovingly take care of her but there are different situations.
smoss, if you hope your kids will kick you out if you were like that, why don’t you kick your MIL out? It seems reasonable since she is only 49 and capable of working. You are not helping her if you are enabling her.
Katy,
I read over my comment now and it does sound harsh. You just can’t understand what it is like to go through this. You also have to remember it’s not just my decision it is my husband’s too. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and say what you would do in a situation like this but when you are actually there it’s not that easy.
Katy I do understand that your mother in law lives with you but situations are different. I do have to say that the story about the little girl inspired me to try to be a better person toward her. I don’t want to become bitter. Sometimes you just have to vent.
smoss, you’re right, it’s definitely not easy to deal with family relationships. You sound very mature for 21. Thanks for sharing your story. I didn’t think you were harsh, the truth is truth. Definitely ok to vent here.
Nothing in life is wasted and God will somehow use this for good.
My mother in law & father in law live with us too. It’s driving me absolutely crazy. I feel sick just thinking about her. She is a selfish, manipulative slob. We jointly purchased our home and it’s the worst possible situation to be in. Now we can’t afford to separate. I’m stuck with her telling people I don’t know how to raise my child. God help me.
Jane,
I would love to get your e-mail address. Maybe it would help if we could vent to each other. It is really tough sometimes. I understand.
My MIL has been living with us for about 3 years and so far so good.
Boundaries are a MUST – and it is my hubby’s responsibility to “handle” my MIL if things are getting nutty.
We’ve had some “level 1″ issues and nipped those in the bud right away (e.g. being sarcastic with the 11 year old, favoring the younger child, no over-night guests…).
Out of respect I have my hubby work things out, if need be, with his mom. BUT, my MIL and I have had our conversations as well. Often email works best so she can read and hear me – and then read again…and then a face-to-face conversation to work it out.
I had a good relationship with my MIL before she moved in and we’ve worked out the kinks since she’s moved in. It’s ongoing. The pros outweigh the cons.
K of IAFN
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